NPC Bikini

NPC Thunderdome

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Last weekend I made my 5th appearance on stage at a NPC bikini competition.  I came in 7th, which happens to be my typical placing.  I have come in 6th, 7th, or 8th out of 15-20 in every show.  I have horrible stage fright and my husband says I always look stiff as a board.  During one of my competitions I realized I barely ever smiled when I got off stage and it was confirmed in my pictures.  Why do I compete then?  Because 4 years ago I watched my husband compete and thought to myself that I couldn’t ever do it.  I could NEVER get in that good of shape and I could NEVER get on stage.  The next year I got pregnant with my 2nd son and while I was wallowing over an Oxygen magazine cover, WISHING I could look like those girls, my husband said to me “why not?”  Well because… I don’t know.  Why couldn’t I do that?  No really, why couldn’t I?  I have always been a pretty mentally tough person, I got my degree in Exercise Science, I knew what I was doing, so why couldn’t I do it?  Honestly, I was scared to death to fail.  I don’t know when that all started, I have to think it was in college, or maybe after I had my first son.  All of a sudden I had become afraid.  Of everything!  Mostly failure.  I didn’t want to put myself out there and have people see me not make it, not even my husband.  But to achieve that goal of looking like a cover girl I decided to take a huge step and compete.  It gave me a clear time frame (7 months post-baby) and would help me overcome a major fear.  I didn’t ever want to tell my kids that I didn’t do something because I was afraid.  How am I supposed to teach them that lesson if I couldn’t do it myself?  I HAD to step outside of my comfort zone.  I had lost myself and I thought that competing would bring me back.  And it did.  Not to mention everyone told me I would never lose the baby weight after the 2nd so I should just get that out of my head.  I had to prove everyone wrong.

Now, I’m not the biggest fan of competing.  I give power to some unknown people to judge my body against others.  In one competition a local celebrity was in my height class and of coarse won.  It pissed me off to no end.  But getting first call outs all the time (top 7) just meant that I was so close to getting that trophy and I had to keep trying.  I also cried after every show and went on a major binge for a week.  Then after my 4th show it hit me that this really was for me.  My placing in no way determined how good I looked or how hard I worked, especially since I’m a spaz on stage.  Most importantly none of that mattered anyways because in real life a trophy doesn’t show how good of a mom, wife, or person I am.  So for this 5th show, I worked hard and showed up again.  Did my best and had fun with the girls.  And according to friends in the audience it was my best time on stage yet.  I was still awkward up there of coarse, but better!

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Ignore the winky eye, those were the craziest eyelashes I have ever bought!  They were SO long and SO heavy!  I had decided that for this competition, instead of spending $100+ on getting my make up done, I would go to MAC and buy everything.  I watched youtube videos and learned how to HAC with competition make up, since it is so much more dramatic than regular make up.  This will only be cost-effective if I compete at least 1 more time though.

 

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Here I am backstage with 2 of the girls that I train (I’m in the middle).  It is so much fun to have people to do this with!  We lift together and hold each other accountable.  It is very rewarding for me to help someone reach such a big goal. (The girl on the left lost 55 pounds!)

I’m not sure if I want to compete again, even though the girls are trying to already commit to a November show.  Part of me feels like I have nothing left to prove to myself.  I have bulked and successfully cut 5 times.  I have added and maintained 10+ pounds of muscle in the past 2 years.  I have “conquered” my fear of the stage.  Is it still conquering if I’m still afraid?  I’ll just say yes because I did it!  Is it time to move on?  Maybe.  I am very happy to just gain strength and muscle.  BUT there is something very satisfying to push yourself farther than you ever thought and manipulate your food to achieve your desired results.  Only time will tell…

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  1. Pingback: How to Set Goals – and Actually Achieve Them – Flex Fit Mom

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